Wednesday, August 22, 2012

IN ANOTHER LIFE.


Hello & Assalamualaikum everyone! 

It's Raya! Hope it's not too late to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :) So how's your raya? Hope all is well. As for me, alhamdulillah everything is okay. Here I'm not updating how's my Raya going on. I just want to blog something which i personally feel. It just happen recently.

I don't know if anybody would ever read this. It's not imma popular blogger or somebody. But if you do bumped into my blog and read this til the end; my biggest thank to you.
__

One word that can describe me now is; STRUGGLING.

Yes, I'm struggling. I'm sure everyone is, but in their own way. But here im talking about struggling in doing something better. Like, for example, some struggling to pray 5 times a day. Some struggling on putting their hijab on. Some struggling to do well in their exam. Some struggling  not to talk bad or mengumpat about other people. And the list goes on.

I'm struggling. I'm sure you too. Idk why, but somehow i feel so worthless. I'm trying, but somehow it wasn't good enough. It makes me wanna give up sometimes. Then i started to question myself 'why imma so lazy', 'why it's hard for me to change' and etc. But then i started to realize that it's hard because what i did before was become a habit. I did it everyday, and it becomes a habit and if to suddenly not to do it (for example, you used to sleep after subooh prayer and suddenly you decide to staying wake up). IT'S HARD MAN. I TELL YOU!

Oh Allah, what have i done? THAT'S WHAT I SAID TO MYSELF. I don't wanna me like this. I wanna be better!

Syaitaan never give up, right? Yes, they are. They really keep their promises that they will ensure that we, the servant of Allah will left HIM and be astray from Allah. Ya Allah, bless us.

That is why i used to tell this to myself; be better for Allah. Not for anyone else. Renew the intention. I wanna be better for YOU, Allah. For myself. Because now, i feel bad when I'm against you. I feel horrible, and i hate this feeling. i wanna taste how's like to fall for Allah. Because HE's ya rabb, ya Rahman, ya Rahim. HE's almighty.

As for my family, I'm trying best not to do dissapoint them in any way. Yes, i'm a terrible daughter.  There's nothing to be proud of having a daughter like me. Eventhough i'm trying not to make them angry, or sad, or dissapoint on me, i still do so whether it is intentionally or unintentionally. I keep pray to Allah; may Allah bless them and keep HIS love as much as how my parents loves me. 

For those of you who have parents, PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Please appreciate them while they're still alive. Ask for their forgiveness; always. Cause we never know we may hurt them. We never know the time when we can't hug them, or kiss them like we used to. I'm the type who close to my parents, especially my mother. We used to give a hug and kisses. Some families may be not familiar with that hug and kisses, but still, there's no reason for you not to respect your parents. 

Yes, the second point it is. I wanna be a better daughter to my parents. The first and foremost, being a better servant to Allah. Forever above all.

For a terrible people like me, to change to someone better is not that easy. It's not easy to left all things that i used to do for years. But i know it's not good for me and i have to stay that away for me. it doesn't benefit me. i have to do it for Allah. that is why we have to take some kind of 'baby step' to change. 

__

Here's one thing that i feel like i want to share with you. this is my own personal experience. i hope you may read this til the end. and i hope this interest you.

well, ever since i was in high school, i used to be that typical student who think of having a good grades may lead you to a brighter future. yes it is, i agree with that statement.. not until i experience this one-of-a-kind experience that change my perspective since then.

i'm not a bright or even a smart student. no. not at all. i'm just an average student that nobody knows. 10 years from now, if people ever hear my name they would probably end up with statement like 'Farha? Farha who?'. Haha. That explains how infamous i am.

so, okay. i went to UiTM Melaka, and met awesome people there with good grades/CGPA. then i enter UiTM Perak, and here's more insane! i mean, they're mostly getting CGPA with 3 pointer and above. it's like students here have some kind of "fighting" with each other in order to get good grades. if you don't get good grades, you'll be left behind and nobody will recognize you.

oh, life.

i tell you. aku down gila. Allah je tahu. no words can describe how worthless i feel. aku rasa macam aku ni bodo gila seyy. 

i'm trying not to let myself down. but then i started to worry about my future. who will i be in the future with this consistently poor results? will i ever get the job that i want? 

but then the other half of me said 'why worry about future? it's not like the end of the world. biarlah gagal pelajaran dunia atika. jgn pula kau gagal akhirat'. 

Yes, there. i said.

Everybody wants to be better. Nobody wants to stay behind. Like, everybody wants to get an A in their exam. Nobody wants to fail. But the thing that i realized about life is that, you WILL fail. Allah will fail you eventhough HE knows that you're trying. Because why? HE wants to test you. HE wants to know on how well you can endure with the failure, dissapointment, hardship and etc. Allah is testing me, and HE is watching me right now. But still, i end up doing something which HE doesn't like, which HE prohibits me NOT. TO. DO. May Allah forgive me.

i was worried about duniawi that won't last forever. i forget about the hereafter, the lesson in Quran, how to read accordingly with correct tajwid and etc. i can read books to study for the exam, but never complete the Quran. i carry books wherever i go, but never carry the quran and read em when i have time. i can hang out with friends and have an entertainment with them, but never go to the mosque or ceramah/talk. 

the result's out. i don't have to tell you how's my results. all i can say is that i already want to quit. i don't want anymore to pursue this Bachelor of Accountancy. i did confess to them that i don't wanna do this anymore. 

but then my dad said 'Don't do this to us'.

Aku senyap. My heart just stop pumping. There's a sound of dissapointment. At that time, i promise myself to do whatever that they want me to do, cause they know what's the best for me. So, I will complete this Bachelor no matter if i have to extend. i have to complete this! all that i hope is may Allah strengthen me to go thru this. pray for me.

Since then, i promise to study well. not for the sake of the exam. not for the sake of getting good grades. or getting a good job. it's because for Allah. cause getting a knowledge (ilmu) is considering as ibadah too. i wanna do this for my family. it doesn't matter anymore what job i will get. i still believe that no matter what happen, i will do something worthwhile in my life. 

My new semester will start anytime soon. I hope i can go thru this smoothly and may Allah bless me in every action that i will do. may this new semester change me into new Atika Farha, a better from previous semester :) insyaAllah.
__


Other people may struggling to be rich, to be well-known, to get first-class honour degree. Well, i rather to choose to struggle in order to please Allah, Islam, my family, especially my own self.





Learning is not limited in the classroom. It is part of life, and life tests you constantly. When you past 'its' test, you don't get a diploma, or a degree, or any certificate for that matter. You'll get a better life for yourself, that that's even a greater reward more than anything else in this world.

1 comment:

Sybil said...

Nicely said. We are in the same boat. But here in shah alam,the competition is wayy menggila. plus the lecturers are expecting us to do WELL, not good. zzz.
Anyway,you inspired me. And thankyou for that.
May we all grad on time!.
Amin :)